I am puke
cat food counts as protein by the way
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
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Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
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& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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