I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we made out on top of his cat.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
