you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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