I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
