people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
