i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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