tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
