Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
