ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
