1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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