K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
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Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
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Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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