just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
