i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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