omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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