I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
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she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
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If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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