I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
