me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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