I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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