Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
