Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
