I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
