I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
