I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
