Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
