none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
