I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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