he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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