When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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