just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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