Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
