im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
