I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
