I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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