and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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