Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
