If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
