My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
