Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
