I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Randomize
