I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
