Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
