i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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