I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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