What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
