she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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