TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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