i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
