dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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