I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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