Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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