If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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