this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Still dying that you shit outside
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
