oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
