last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
