i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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