you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
