I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
