$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize