his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
